I had a conversation recently with a dear friend and colleague, and it stayed with me. We were talking about the new year, the kind of January that arrives with fresh calendars and promising gym memberships.

He said, “We can keep living in what was, or we can stand in what is.” Then he added, “Most people think they’re choosing, but they’re actually just replaying.”

That landed.

When “what was” turns into a waiting room
What was can be comforting. Even when it stings. The past has a script, and the brain likes scripts.

Yet there’s a difference between learning from the past and renting space there. When we ruminate on old hurts or slights, we don’t heal them. We harden them. The American Psychiatric Association describes rumination as repetitive thinking that circles distress and can worsen anxiety or depression.

The longer we loop the same scene, the more the nervous system treats it like the current reality. That is how a moment becomes a mood.

Harvard Health also shares practical ways to interrupt rumination, including simple strategies that help break the loop. This isn’t fluffy advice. It’s a reminder that the brain can change with repetition. Neuroplasticity is real, and it’s not reserved for “other people.”

Here’s the uncomfortable truth. Rumination can feel like loyalty to the pain. Like staying upset proves the hurt mattered. Yet the proof is already there. The cost is what keeps growing, and it can block what could be next.

“What is” gives you the steering wheel
What is can feel plain. No dramatic soundtrack. No neat endings.

Still, this is where choice lives.

What is might sound like this

• I feel disappointed when I think about last year
• I have one relationship that needs a clearer boundary
• I am proud of how I handled something, even if nobody applauded
• I keep postponing one decision that would make my life lighter

Short sentence. You get to choose.

This is where your agency shows up, not in grand declarations, but in small, repeatable actions. Self-Determination Theory names three psychological needs that support well-being, autonomy, competence, and relatedness. When you act from autonomy, you often feel steadier. Even if the step is small.

Taking the gifts of what was without handing it the microphone
You don’t need to sugar-coat past wounds. Some years bruise us. Some years leave dents.

Yet there is a move available to all of us. We can take what the past taught us and stop letting it narrate the present.

The gift of what was might be sharper discernment. A clearer sense of your limits. A better understanding of what serves you.

Try this January practice. Simple. Revealing.

Step 1 –  Name the was
Write down three moments from last year that still tug at you. One can be good. One can be hard. One can be unresolved.
Finish this sentence for each one
This gave me ______.

Keep it concrete.

Step 2 – List the is
Write five facts that are true right now. Facts only. No character judgments.
Example
I avoid that call.
Not
I’m terrible with conflict.

Facts create traction.

Step 3  – Choose a will-be action
Pick one action you can take in the next seven days that matches your values. Small enough that you will actually do it.

One email. One conversation. One appointment. One boundary.

In Closing

Let what was inform you.
Not with blame. With clarity.
What did last year teach you about what you need, what you value, and what you will no longer accept?

Let what is educate you.
What is true right now, in your body and in your life.
Where are you settled? Where are you stretched? Where are you avoiding a choice that would bring relief?

Let what could be inspire you.
Not the fantasy version. The workable version.
One action. One conversation. One boundary. One request.

Here’s a January question that tends to sort things quickly.
When you deal with a business or professional, do you feel met in what is?
Or do you feel reduced to what was?

If you feel brushed past, talked over, or treated like a stereotype, that matters. The World Health Organization links ageism with poorer health, social isolation, and reduced quality of life.

You can choose differently. Ask for what you need. Expect respect. Walk away faster when it is missing. And when you want a higher standard of care, look for an Age-Friendly Business® or a Certified Professional Consultant on Aging (CPCA)® in your community. You deserve service that sees you clearly, right now.

Warmly,
Rhonda Latreille, MBA, CPCA®
Founder and CEO
Age-Friendly Business®

p.s. Since 2003, Age-Friendly Business® has trained thousands of professionals and businesses committed to learning how to raise the quality of the client, customer, and community experience. They are called Certified Professional Consultants on Aging (CPCAs)® and Age-Friendly Businesses®. They have earned the right to ask for your business.

Body:  What was has a physical price tag

When the mind replays a hurt, the body often reacts as if the moment is happening again. Tight shoulders. Shallow breathing. A stomach that clenches before you’ve even had coffee.

Rumination can keep the stress response activated longer than it needs to be, and that prolonged activation can interfere with sleep and emotional regulation.

There’s also a social cost. If your attention is stuck in what was, you may miss the small signals of what is, including support that’s available right now. WHO points to links between ageism and social isolation.

A simple body reset that pairs well with January

• Put one hand on your chest, one on your belly
• Inhale slowly for a count of four
• Exhale for a count of six
• Ask, What is true right now, in this minute

One minute. That’s all.

Spirit: Present Time Energies

“Confine your energies to the present time.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations